Not Happening
by Natalie Ross
Summary: Spoilers J.R.'s thoughts in the hospital when he discovers Babe's fate. T to be safe for mild language


Not Happening

Ok so normally I stay with Harry Potter but my muse had decidedly left the building until she came back with a vengence when Babe died on AMC. I probably will never write another AMC fanfic because like I said I like Harry Potter but this story was just itching to get written. I know J.R. might seem slightly out of character in but if you ask me, even if he tries to be Mr. Macho he's going to be torn up over Babe's death. What with Dixie's so close to it. So that's why I wrote this. Because I think J.R. loved Babe a lot more than he was letting on for the past few days. Anyway. I don't own any of the characters in this story. I'm not quite sure who owns them exactly so…I'll say they belong to ABC. Ok. So on with the story.

My heart shattered. No other way to describe it. My heart shattered and I had to protect it. " She's not dead." I put every source of strength I could call upon to say it to the dumb ass. He was yelling something about how I was the reason she was gone. " My wife is a lot of things but she is not DEAD." She couldn't be. I know I wasn't happy with her but… what would I do if Babe was really dead. My head couldn't wrap itself around that idea. My mind went back to earlier this morning. " Your life wasn't worth my mothers." My words echoed over and over in my head. I shook my head. No. Not true. She can't be dead. She can't. " She can't be." I whispered that one thought. Josh sneered at me. " But she is J.R. and it's your fault that her last days were a living hell. Are you happy? She loved you and you tore her apart." I shook my head again. " No. She's not. You're full of it. It's all a trick. She's…she's faking it." That's it. All this was a big sham by Babe, Zoë and Josh and the rest of these heathens to get back at me. That's what it is. She can't be dead. I can't lose my mother and the love of my life in 4 days. 'No. Not happening.' A little voice inside my head kept screaming that. My son can't lose his mother. 'Nope. Not happening.'

" God J.R. for the first time in your life pull your head out of your ass and realize that this doesn't have to do with anyone slighting you. BABE IS DEAD." The bastard was yelling at me and my eyebrows creased and I felt Tad's arms tighten around me. Suddenly I realize why. My knee's have given way and I felt a burning in my chest that seared. It hurt worse than when I fell out of that hotel room window. " No." My eyes burned and everything became blurry. " I have…I have to see her. I won't believe it until I do. I can't…not until I see her." Jeff nodded slightly. " Follow me." I grabbed my cane tighter than necessary. Tad held me back. " J.R…" I knew what he was going to say. " No. I need to do this by myself." I steeled my jaw determined not to show weakness in a roomful of vultures ready to pick my bones. I walked through the maze of corridors of the hospital not really seeing much of anything, only thinking that Babe was back here somewhere. 'Cold and lifeless.' A voice whispered in my ear and shook it off. 'No. Not happening.' Jeff showed me the door that led to Babe. " I'll leave you alone for a few minutes." I nodded curtly and him and walked into the room, not able to bear the pity in his eyes. The sight before me stole my breath away. 'No. Not happening.'

There she was. Babe, lovely, lively Babe who should have had a long life in front of her, laying still on the hospital bed. Her wavy blonde hair spread out like a halo on her pillow and her soft lips slightly parted. She looked like she was sleeping but the stillness of her chest spoke a different story.' Not happening.' I limped towards her and I felt my tears come back. " Oh god Babe. I didn't want this. I swear I didn't." I stood next to her bed and touched one of her hands. I looked at her face. The face I had loved since I first laid eyes on it on that pier. Those blue eyes would never smile again, or show sadness, or love, or anger, were closed…for good. 'No. Not happening.'

My hand raised up and caressed her face. " I didn't mean it Babe. I love my Mom and I'll miss her for the rest of my life but…I didn't wish you had died instead. I loved you so much. I would have kept trying to get custody. We both know that so I'm not going to insult you more by saying I wouldn't have but…Babe. There's so much that I regret with us. God knows there is an entire lifetime of regrets. But know this. I do not regret loving you. I never will. You were so wonderful. And yes you hurt me. But I'm not an innocent either." I took a deep breath and leaned over and kissed her forehead tenderly. " I would have never have wished for Little A to go through losing his mother." I felt tears begin to flow. I looked at her wishing she would say something. Anything. Even if it was in anger. I would give anything just to hear one more word from her lips but I knew that she would never speak again. I trembled. " Don't leave me." I broke down then and sat down in the chair beside her bed and laid my head on her chest.

" Why? Why did you leave me? Damn it! Why did you kiss Josh? Why did I tell you that your life wasn't worth Mom's? Why?" My voice hitched and I let out a sob. " What do I tell our son? Do I say, ' Mommy's gone and never coming back.' How do I tell him that Mommy wants to be with him but there is no way she ever will be again." My hand shook again as I caressed her pale, cold face. " I can promise you this. Our son will know that he had a Mommy that loved him. He will know all there is to know about you. That Krystal's secret is safe with me and that I WILL make sure that your killer is caught and tortured long and extensively for this. And most importantly, I won't drink. I won't because I have our son to look after." I paused and took a deep breath before standing. " I love you Babe Chandler. I always have and I always will." I brushed a light kiss to her soft lips, mine shaking knowing that I would never get this again. 'Not happening.'

" Sweet dreams. Say hi to mom for me." I stood up and squared my shoulders. My moment of weakness has passed. I now have a step mom and father and most importantly a son to take care of. And a murderer to find. Mark my words. He WILL be found. The J.R. Chandler that was grieving was pushed into the background and the J.R. that was willing to rip out the throats of his competition to get what he wanted came to forefront. I paused for a moment, a wind brushing through the windowless room. It smelled of spring and love. Babe. I thought I could hear her voice whispering. " I love you and forgive you." As quick as it was there it was gone leaving me to believe that it was just part of my stressed thinking. I shook my head and squared my shoulders once more and turned for one last glance at my own personal angel laying on the bed and sighed and pushed through the doors. No weakness. 'Not Happening. This can't be happening.'

The End.

Like I said. This is my first AMC story and more than like the last. But it was just begging to be written. Ok so just give the author a treat and tell me what you think. K

Natalie


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